Not Another Twila Commentary!
by emopygmepuff
Summary: Oh no, Not Another Twila Da Girl Who Was In Luv W A Vampir Commentary! Join me as I read "Twila" for the first time. Is Twila just a "Twilighted" version of Ebony Darkness Insert Goffikness Here Way? Does Bella really "like-a the rain"? Is everyone in love with Twila? Is Carlos Cullen a total pervert? Find out with me!
1. NOT AT THE TABLE, CARLOS!

_Okay guys, here it is: _Not Another Twila Da Girl Who Was In Luv W A Vampir Commentary! _(There weren't enough characters for the full title but you get the drift__!) Unlike _My Immortal_, I haven't read this before; however, like _My Immortal, _there are so many red squiggly spelling error lines on my word processing program it's giving me a headache. Maybe I should go get my glasses._

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Hi my name is Twila Beatiful Psyco Topaz **(You sound like a psycho with a name like that. If there isn't a paragraph-long description of her appearance, I'm not gonna lie, i'll be disappointed)** (not cullen yet, bcuz i ddnt meet edward yet) **(thanks for the warning) **n i live in waschington wif my sister Midnite. we liv in a dark house that iz far away from every1 els n we r vampires **(Okay)**. we feest on blood n no1 else noes dat we are vampirs **(Ooh, secretive, I like it!)**. not evn are mom wich is y we moved away to b by ourselves **(I bet your mum is glad to be rid of you, or maybe you should be glad to be away from her since she named you PSYCO!)**. yes we r LONERS. **(So are, like, half the people who use the internet. Join the club)**

i go 2 a hi school n every1 finks dat im really hott, **(Of course they do, you wouldn't be a Mary-Sue if they didn't!)** i hav strait blak hair nd topez eyes n mi sister midnte is da same accept she has magenta eyez **(Appearance description – called it)**. i wear lots of blak makup on mi eyes even tho i hav dark ciircles under my eyes, (a/n ok if u think thats lame then FUK U, edword has dem too and steraphie myers sed hes realli hot ok.) **(Stephanie Meyers wrote _Twilight_ because of a dream she had. By that logic I should write a book about all the sexual things I've done with various celebrities!)** i dnt lyk any1 at mi school, i am a missenthrop (a/n loook it up) **(Oh I will with spelling like that young lady!)** that menz i hate other ppl accept midnite. **(Good use of a 'big word', however I will deduct points for spelling - C+)**

one day i met a realli sexi vampore **(Does he have good skin?) **named EDWARd CULLENS he haz realli white skin lyk me. he is satan's gift to dis planet **(TARA IS THIS YOU? I MISSED YOU GIRL!) **(a/n I DONT BELEVE IN GOD I AM N ATHEIST. i thnk saten created dis universe god bles u satan u r alwayz in mi heart.) **(So you don't have a good grasp on what Atheism is then?)** so anywey i met him i nda skewl **(I had a flashback to that episode of **_**Family Guy**_** where Bruce heads the PTA meeting and he's like "Welcome to our meeting here at the SKEWEEEL") **n he was wif some fukking ugli ass bytch named bella swann. **(LMFAO, can someone get Kingsley to say this? I can imagine him saying this)** she waz soo stupid n she kept fallin out of her seat. **(She is pretty clumsy) **edwward lookd at me lyk wtf is dis gurl doing **(GOOD LORD SATAN I'M CRYING)**. i smiled at him sexi and aventerous n he new rite away that i wuz a vampir, i culd tell from his eyes wich were da same collor as mine.

"Heyy" he sed walkn away from bella. dere were some gay ass ghetto ppl in his way doin da SOLDA BOY CRANK DANce n he jus lookd at dem with his dethly eyes n they iran away. **(I bet it was Mike and Eric and after they were all like "LA PUSH" and "HOW YOU LIKIN' THE RAAAAIN, GURL?!")**i realy hat cliks n gheto ppl fink they r kewl, i giv dem the middle finger in the halwayz n itz l;ke YEA HUS TUFF NOW LOL rite (**Actually, is she really Jessica Stanley?)**

neway edward n i sat 2getha at da lunch tabel n bella stard at us wif dat poser jakob **(But he goes to the school on the Res?)**. ed ddnt pay ne atencion to her at all. he told me al abot how he iz a vampir n his dad carlose **(NOT AT THE TABLE CARLOS)** wnated 2 meet me. **(Carlos sounds like a stalker) **n his sisters alice, rosmarie, jasper n emet all luved me rite away n his mom esmi wnted 2 meet me 2. **(… but they haven't met you yet? And I do love the sisters Jasper and Emmett, they're my favourite characters in the entire series *sarcasm*)**

so we kut skewl early n went to his realli big house in da woods n jasper is realli big and muscelar so he jst nocked down all da treez in da way. **(You go Jasper who really is supposed to be Emmett but whatever show off your manly strength!)**

when we got there carlose came to da door imedately. he gasped in surpise at my beauty **(Fuck me sideways, she's so gorgeous he can't handle it)**

"You Must be twila, my u certenly r attraxive" he teasd me seductevly. **(He sounds like a right perv. Okay, whenever he does something inappropriate, I'm gonna type "NOT AT THE TABLE CARLOS!")** ed, jasp, emet, alison n rosaline **(Rosmarie/Rosaline needs to make up her mind on her name, this is like Ebony/Enoby/Enobooby all over again!)** all growld at him angrly, all sensitive becuz they liked me 2 besidez it wusnt fare cuz he was alreadi married. **(Yeah, you have a commitment to Esme to uphold. NOT AT THE TABLE CARLOS!)**

"Yea thats me lol" i told him and bowed (a/n dats wat they do in japanese becuz its polite) **(But she's not Japanese? Oh god, she's going to start saying "Kawaiiiii" and "Konichiwa bitch!" and stuff like Ebony, isn't she?)** "nice to met you i said. **(She may not be Japanese, but there's a possibility - sorry I have to do this and do it irl whenever I have to say this: "THEEERE'S A POSSIBILITYYYYYYY! - she might be Yoda)**

"So i hear ur a vampir, cum in my house n we can talk about it." **(I bet he wants you to cum in his house. NOT AT THE TABLE CARLOS!)**

I waz sooo excited n i ran in quikly in every1 followed me, we were alreadi frends. **(Aww, that's nice!)**

XXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTE 1XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

PLZ GUYZ TELL ME IF ITS GUD **(It's not)**

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_So, what do you think? Please R&R!_**  
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	2. She's so irresistible they can't help it

_I'm thinking of updating this once a week. I'm loving this story so far though._

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FLAMERZ BAK OFF OK. mi engish is fine **(Rose-tinted spectacles there!)** u dnt hav to b a bytch about it u fukkin homos **(FUCKING EXCUSE ME?! NOT OKAY. DO NOT USE LANGUAGE LIKE THAT EVER, JUST IN CASE OP IS READING THIS RIGHT NOW)**. if u lik bella i sed not 2 red cuz u wuld be offenced **(I'm "offenced" by your homophobia, first and foremost, and your below average spelling skills)**. i red dis book a lot of tims i fink i no der names. **(Well, you call Alice "Allison", Rosalie "Rosemarie", and seem to have Jasper and Emmett confused so...)**

and wateva u say, DUNT DISS TARA GELSBIE. OK. SHE IS A FUKKING GRATE RITER **(HELLO DARKNESS MY OLD FRIIIIIIIIEND!)**

OK HERE IS CHAPTA 2.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX CHAPTER 2 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Wen i walkd in2 da house edward disapered and den appered at da piano (hez a vamprie he kan do that.) **(That was a completely pointless sentence)** he storted 2 play Famous Last werds by mi chemical romans **(I heard Julius Caesar was quite the corrosive fellow...) **. i started 2 sing in my beatifull voice "Wel i kno that i kan make u stay, wel den were iz ur heart? were iz ur heart?" every1 gasped, even tho they were vampirs they didnt hav voices lyk me. **(What's that falling from the sky? It's frozen, and every single one is the same... except this one! What is it? Oh, it's a SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE!)** OUT of nowere they all jumped up nd tried to tak off my cloths. **(WHAT THE FUCK?!)**

"WOT R U DOING?" i creamed. deir eyes were red n they had all turned in2 savagez. den they stoppd and confused.

"Sorry Twila." edward sed. "sometimes wen we c some1 we kant resist we turn in2 beasts. it wnt hapen agen" puting bak on mi clothe. **(Oh that's nice, hanging out with a bunch of sex offenders!)**

"Itz ok a lot of ppl r attracted to me" i excplaned. they all understod. **(Because you are teh sex)**

"it must be ur blood" sed carlose in horrofied. "Beauty, u hav the most rare n exotic blood in all da world, evry vampir wil want to drink it. itz much betta den that other gurls, wats her name?"

"Dat bytches nam is bella" sed jasper growling. Midnite hugged him **(When did your sister get there?) **so he wuldnt get 2 angry n apper in bellas house n strangle her wif 1 tuch of his finger cuz hes realli strong lyk da hulk. **(I'm sure the Hulk can STRANGLE SOMEONE BY TOUCHING THEM! ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER!)**

"twila, i wnat u 2 marri me" sudenly screemed alise **(… what?!) **hu was a plebian **(At risk of sounding like Starkid's Dumbledore, what the hell is a plebian?! Does she mean lesbian?)**. edward rowred at her, furius n all protective n sudenly... he htransformed! **(Into a goth? Because the last time I did a commentary for a stupid-ass story everyone and their mother was a goth)**

"OMFG NOOOO" i shouted cuz i dint want ne1 2 get hurt. eds shirt bursted opened wif mussels. **(LMFAO! I can imagine it, it's like the Hulk)** his topazz eyez turnd pure blak with strengt n energy n he jumped at alice **(I think these vampires are stupider than the original Stephanie Meyer vampires!)**

"TWOLA IS MARRING ME ALREADI" **(HOLD UP YOU HAVEN'T EVEN ASKED HER YET YOU PRESUMPTUOUS DICKWAD! Ooh, look at me, now I ****sound like Tara's Dumbledore!****) **he sed wif his voice was booming n all da windows exploded n da glass rained down lik in dat avril laven video wer she punches da miror n da glass all flyes out around her. **(This was written by Tara, right? Except Avril Lavigne is a prep?)** He storted 2 fite with alice to da death over me. **(You aren't that special dear)**

"Guyz guys" i suddenly compromized "Guess wat srry im not a lebian." alice started 2 cry tearz of blood. "Y r her tears blood" i asked all curios **(Please clear this ridiculous character trait up for us please)**

"Oh no this is bad" said emet hu had been in da bathrom da hole time **(TAKING A MASSIVE VAMPIRE SHIT)**. "wen we cry our tearz r blood n its da blood of our victims, shez losin blood n now she wil be thirsy agen. RUN" **(… but why are they trying to drink her blood? She's a vampire, she has no blood?!)**

Alic tryed 2 jump at me and tare my flesh but i movd out of da way n she attakd rosemarie instead hu was prety but she waznt as prety as me **(BIG FUCKING YAWN)** n her throat flew open. n blood poured out everywere n alice ate it.

"Ohh mi satan" **(TARA IT IS YOU DON'T EVEN LIE)** i said heartbrokn becuz i causd so much truble. edward jus laughed "its ok babe" he said nd kissed me for da 1st time! **(Such a romantic moment! He went all Incredible Sparkly-Ass Hulk on you and his lesbian(?) sister tried to kill you for your non-existent blood and then she killed her sister instead and he kisses you. That's one for the family album!) **(He had turned back from blak ed to white ed (a/n HEZ LIK HOTSANHARU FROM FRUITY BASKET) **(… I don't know what that means)** n he was calm agen.) "Shez a vampir, shell just cum bak 2 life." **(BAAACK TO LIIIIFE, BAAACK TO REALITY!)**

so they sedeted alison n she fel asleep n rose came bak 2 lyf. we had berger king 4 diner **(… you're a vampire you idiot, you can't eat human food?!)** bcuz i had 2 hurry. n then i went home thinsking of edword the hole time and how his flami hot lips felt on my. his body waz so warm n i culdnt wate to c him agen.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTA

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_NO LONGER LOVING IT, ABORT MISSION!_


	3. Emmett ejaculated in the concert

_Another week, another update. I'm trying to update every Saturday but I've just started at a new university this week and my projects will be starting soon, so we'll have to see how that goes. I hope you enjoy this chapter and as always, review!_

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OK PPL HU REVIEW 2 SAY SHIT ABOUT MI STORI CAN GO FUKK DEMSELFS **(It'll be a lot more fun than reading this heap of shit)**. my stori is beleiveble u just hav 2 keep readin n u can c y!1 **(Taking this with a pinch of salt)** but to ppl hu gav me good reveiws, THANX U GUYZ ROKK 333 LUV U

CHAPTER 3

"Hey betch wat r u doin home." midnite asked. **(Wasn't she at Edward's in the last chapter when their sex drives got the better of them?)**

"u hav 2 promise not 2 say nething..." i sed nervly n midnite laffed n sed "hu wuld i say somthing 2, we r loners remeber?" **(Oh dear)**

"o yea" i sed and told her evrythin dat hapened. **(SHE WAS THERE) **she gosped wen i told her abot edword kissing me. "SO WATE" she scremed "R U GUYZ IN LUV NOW OR WHUT?" **(Obviously. You kiss someone once and it's fireworks and glitter and rainbows and infinite fucking)**

"ya were goin 2 homecuming 2getha." **(You are? Did I forget this?) **i showd her my blakk dress wif lace n leather n my spiky black shoez. **(Taaaaaaraaaaaa!)** "edword sed he liks dese." we laffed happy 2gether n danced arond da house. we were so happi 4 me. i sang tenagerz by mcr. **(Yep, it's Tara) **den. ... DA DOOR NOCKED! **(Shit motherfucker fuck shit!)**

"TWIL WERE R U. sum1 asked frum outside. **(I bet it's Carlos. This is the type of thing Carlos would do)** i went 2 da door n it was alison. i scremed. IF U FUKKING TRI 2 SUKK MI BLOOD AGEN ILL GET ED i told her. **(Without speech marks)** she bast in2 tearz. midnite quikly jumoed up 2 defend me but i told her to go awey bcuz i culd handle alis. **(You couldn't handle her last time if I remember rightly)**

"ok y did u cum here." i sed **(Yes you dirty girl!)**. alisenz blody tears dint scare me. i new she had enuf blood 2 last cuz of wen she attaked alison **(She attacked herself?)**. "i felt sooo bad 4 tring to drink ur blood" she histericly cry. "i wnted 2 alopogize wif a present." **(Oh god, what's the present?)**

"All i wnat in dis world is edword, n i hav him so noting u can giv me matterz." **(Ah, true love!) **i shucffed at her **(You what? "shucffed"? What is that? What does that even mean? It looks like "shuffled" but that can't be right)**. But den ... she held up 2 TIKKETS 2 A MCR CONSERT! **(AND SHE WENT AND SHE HAD A GOOD TIME AND HE TAKES HER BACK IN THE FLYING MERCEDES AND THEY BANG IN THE FORBIDDEN FOREST AND DUMBLEDORE'S LIKE "WTF ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?!")**

"OMFGGGGG!111" i was static **(So excited she was rendered incapable of movement)**. i grabed dem from her n gave 1 2 midnite. "actully" alison wimpered "1 was suposed 2 be 4 me. so we cold go 2getha" **(… Awkward!)**

"But i wanted 2 go wif ed" i shoted. i imagned his beutiful face wif his blakk eyliner n blakk lipstik. n his smexi bodi **(Oh god, that image has scarred me for life)**. OK alison sed. "we can jus tak mi hole family. esmet realli luvs mcr 2" **(Yeah, how about all nine of us go to a concert and produce two tickets, the security _have_ to let us in because we are smexxi!)**

so we went to da consert n ed n i had innercoarse on da way. **(WHAAAAAAAAAAT?! In the car?! In front of everyone? EVEN CARLOS?!)** evry1 tought we wer so cute. **(Ewwwww! This is not a family activity! This is not like family movie night!)**

"THIS NITE WALK DA DEAD" scremed gerad way. den... EVENIEZENCE KAME ON! dey sand a duet wif mcr. den dey sang sum more stuff. **(What a concise description of a concert. It's like you don't need to be there)**

emet had an ejaxclamation in da audience **(EMMETT! FOR CHRIST SAKE WE CAN'T TAKE YOU ANYWHERE!) **n sudenly HE TURNED IN2 A BAT **(THE FUCK?!)**. "OH SHITTTTT NOOOO" EDWard sighed **(I'M ACTUALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD RIGHT NOW! I CAN PICTURE EDWARD DOING THIS! THERE ARE TEARS AND MY RIBS HURT!)**. "dis is bad too twola, dis is realli bad." **(REALLY, ED, I COULDN'T'VE FUCKING GUESSED THAT FOR MYSELF!)** all dis bad stuf kept hapening wile i was wif dem. **(Maybe that'd your cue to stop hanging out with them?)** vampirs turn int2 batz wen dey r realli exited n evry1 wuld no his secret but no1 cared cuz dey wer all gothz **(… crisis averted then)**. gerad lookd at him from da stage n he jumpd down thru da crowd n came over 2 us.

"He bat." he sed in his fukking killer voce **(Thanks Gerard for pointing out the obvious)**. i CREAMED so loud **(Louder then when you were in the car?)** bcuz i luvvv gerad wif all my lyfe. his makueup waz runing bcuz he waz cring cuz dey sang helen (a/n dat song is abot his grandpa hu dyed RIP GERARDS GRANPA) **(GRANDMA YOU IDIOT. What kinda of a grandpa name is 'Helena'? - Fun fact, she was actually called 'Elena' but they named the song 'Helena', but I digress) **but he glarced at emset n tuched his wings n he turned bak.

gerad went home wif da cullenz bcuz he nd emet becam bfs. **(BFs as in 'best friends' or BFs as in 'boyfriends'?)** cuz dey fell in luv. **(Well, there we go)** i was sooo jealous but ed got angy n i told him i luv him so it waz ok. WE ALL WENT HOM N I GOT GERARDS AUTOGRAF. **(YEAH GOOD FOR YOU TWILA, YOU GO TWILA!)**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTE

PLZ GUYZ GIV ME MOR REVEIWS I FINK DIS WAZ A REALLI GUD CHAPTER **(I think it was not)**


	4. Bibby Brown loves Twila Who doesn't?

_I damn near killed myself reading this chapter so you guys had better enjoy it!_

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OK PPL I AM NOT A TROL! I AM A VAMPIR OK GET IT STRAIT **(What are the lyrics to that "Naive" song by The Kooks?)** THANX FOR DA PPL HU GAVE ME GUD REVEIWS U GUIZ ROKK

CHAPTER 4

I was walking down da halway in skewl wen i saw Ed wif... bella! **(THAT RAT BASTARD!)** she waz askin him sumfing n cring all over da place. "Wat is goin on" i snared n edword hugged me n sed "Its ok i waz tring 2 ignore her butt she wnt go away." **(Bella is such a attention seeker omg)**

"Plz plz edmard" she cryed. "I realli want 2 go to homecumin wid u. i go evry year wif no date n now im in luv wif u nd i want u to b mi date." **(WHOA, OOC Bella right hur)**

STFU edward sed. "Cant u see dat i alredi hav a date. Dis is my gf TWILA." **(No need to shout her name Eddy)**

"Yea u better bakk off." i told her. "odderwize thingz mite get messi." **("I'll feed you to Rosmarie you bitch!") **She ran away screming.

"So hav u cn Esmet?' i assed him **(That took me a few seconds to get. Why do you have to abbreviate it, why can't you just say "seen" like a regular person?!)**. "He waznt in homroom 2dai" "Yea ummm Tqila, he transforrmed out of da skewl so he culd go on tourz wif Gerad." **(Oh lord)**

"But hes a vampir1" i was socked at dis. "Yea but ur a vampiir 2." ed sed. "o yea." i sed. **(Jesus Christ, give me strength)** (a/n I DINT FORGET I WAZ WATING 4 DA RITE TIME TO BRING IT UP AGEN.) **(… why? Why did I choose to do this to myself again?!)** so we both turned in2 batz n flew 2 class (no1 noticed). **(That was convenient)**

When skewl ended i went in2 my car and drove hom. Wen I got der my sister was geting maried. **(WHAT?! SERIOUSLY?!)**

"OMSG R U GETING MARIED 2 JAZER." i culd not beleve it. 'yea' she smeled. "I luv him n he iz goin 2 live wif us now." **(What? Just... what?)**

I storted 2 cry becuz ed n i wernt maried yet **(Just shh, you)**. Midnite trid to hug me but i shot her away, bcuz her lif waz so much betta dan mine. **(GET A GRIP! SERIOUSLY!)** "Im alredi 16 n im not marred yet." tears swam down mi beatiful face. **(If I ever came across Twila in real life I'd stab her with a silver cross or whatever)**

Suddenly... dey al shoted "SURPISEE!1" Midnite n Jasper wernt getting married... IT WAZ 4 ME AND ED! (a/n dey got mared da next day insted). **(Fucking hell. I'm going to kill myself)**

"NO WAY I was sooo inflated. Edward and me had an atheest ceremoni in my hose. So we were huband and wives. Midnite, Jazper, Esmie, Emet, Gerad, Rose, were all dere... but so waz... ALLICE! **(WHY DO YOU HATE HER SO MUCH?! WHY HAVE YOU TURNED ALICE INTO A BITCH?!)**

"I hope ur not mad dat me n ur brother r married." i sed to her gothikally after da wedding. "I told u that i dunt lik u that way, im not lezz."

"Sigh" she knew. So we all went 2 a party n had lots of blood. Then we went bak to mi house. Some1 rang the bell n i answered it, making out wif Edword. **(That's no way to welcome a house guest!)**

"Y DID U MARRI HIM YOU IGNORANIUS." **(HEY, IT'S DUMBLEDORE FROM **_**MY IMMORTAL**_**!)** shoted da guy at da door. It was Bibby Brown. He ran in on his weelchaire **(OH LORD) **n Jacob flowed him. "Dont u dare tuch Twia." snotted Ed. Every1 came 2 c what waz happening. "Why wold I toch her, shes hieneous" he glarred at me. **(I agree with, uh, "Bibby Brown"?)**

"THATS IT NOW I HAV 2 KILL U." boomed mi busband. He turned in2 a savage lik da time i went to his house. I told him 2 stop becuz i needed to talk to Bolly n Jakob. he stoped.

"Ok y dont u want us 2 be together y is our love so bad 4 u" i cried. "Itz because... I CANT SAY IT." sed da guy in da wheelcher. **(Bibby is so dramatic)**

"JUST SPIC IT OUT." every1 sed. he began to cry histerical. "Mebe dis song will help u undersand." he started 2 sing in his crampy old voice **(OH GOD, WHAT'S COMING)** "WELL I MIS U. I MISS U SO FAR. N DA COMMISION OF UR KISS, DAT MADE IT SO HARD." **(WHY MUST EVERYONE CONFESS MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE LYRICS TO EACH OTHER?! WHYYYYYYY?!)**

Well gerald was FORIOUS becuz dat was his song n he started 2 attak him bcuz of copiright refrigement. **(LMFAO THIS IS HILARIOUS!) **(a/n I DNT OWN THE LYRCS TO DA SONG EITHER). Ther was a big fite n i storted to cry "Oh no, ur in luv with me arnt u." And Bobby Ran away **(HE IS IN A WHEELCHAIR!)** from gerad n sed YES. Edword killed him. **(NOOOOOOO, NOT BIBBY!)**

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	5. The Dark Lord Satan Possesses Me 4 Lulz

IF U R LEVING ME LONG AZZ REVEIWS ON Y I RUNED UR LIFE DEN SORRI GET DA FUKK OVA IT. **(Well, at least they apologised)** i am gong 2 keep makin chaptas n if u report me den ur a lozer, ill just make a new accont. NEWAYZ FANX 2 DA PPL HU GAVE ME GOOD REVEIWS AGEN U GUYZ KEEP ME GOING. PLZ ENJOY CHAPTA 5.

CHAPTER 5

We didnt no whut 2 do wif all da blood from bobby brown so every1 just drank it off da floor **(That's hygienic)**. We had weding gamez n shit and jacob left cuz he waz angri at us 4 some resason **(Oh, I don't know... MAYBE BECAUSE YOU KILLED HIS DAD?!).** We playd spin da bottle n GErard had 2 kiss ed **(Didn't you just get married?!)**. (a/n lol bi guyz r sooo hot) **(Oh yes, please fetishize peoples sexuality, we love it when you do that) ** i waznt jelous cuz dey r both guyz. But Emetr was deprezzed becuz Gerord is his bf.**(Fuck Gerard, you're exclusive with Emmett! Keep it in your pants!)** We listened 2 Green day and he got cheered up. **(Who cares about infidelity when you can listen to **_**American Idiot**_**?)**

I was gong 2 sleep dat nite **(You can't sleep, you're a vampire, and also stupid, apparently...) **when i got posesesd by Saten **(Oh fuck)**. But it was ok cuz were friendz n he just doez dat sometimes as a joke. **(I'M SORRY I JUST SCREECHED OUT LOUD WITH LAUGHTER! THIS IS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING I'VE READ IN AGES!)** I asked him wat he wanted n he told me 2 kill Rosemarie.

"What y?" I new dat Ed would be angey if i killed his sister. "Becoz she is a blond prepp" sed satan suicidelly **(Tara?)**. So I went 2 der house in da dark n i knew wich was rosalyns room becuz da door was pink with pompomz hanging from it n a poster of Holary Duff. **(Well, that was easy)** I broke down da door but inside waz... EDWIRD! **(WHAAAAAA)**

"WTF IS GOING ON U ASSHOLE" i scremed "DIS IS UR ROOM?" "NO LET ME FUKKING EXPLAN" he began to cry. Den i saw... ROSA WAS ON TOP OF HIM! **(HO-LY SHIT!)**

"EW WTF U BUSTARD DATS UR SISTER!1" **(That's my reaction too)** i exploded. I transofmed n began to tear da room apart n ripped all da preppy posters down. I jumped at Rosalien n bit her neck nd she started having a sezure. Then she ran around nd died. **(Good riddance?) **Ed kept crying.

"Dis is disgusting" i said wif disgust. "I cant beleve it, u nd Rose." "Just listen ok" he pleased. "I culdnt c in da dark, I thought she was you." **(That's what they all say!)**

"Yea rite like I beleve dat. We're getting a devorce!" **(On your wedding night as well...)** I waz so pissed. But den Edward got on his knes n sang "If u mary me, will u bury me, will u carry me 2 da end?" **(WHAT IS WITH THE FUCKING MCR SONGS IN THESE FICS?!) **Nd I remembad da promise we had mad ova dat song when we got marred. We sed we wuld alwayz b der 4 each odder. **(Well, that is the point of marriage, not until your sister comes along and sits on your cock)**

"Ok fine dis is ur last chance bittch." I ran out of da room nd saw Carlose in da hall. "Hey babez" he laffed. **(NOT AT THE TABLE CARLOS!)** "Im so much betta dan edward, y dont u come upsters wif me?" **(Eww! NOT AT THE TABLE CARLOS!) **But I just ran away sadly becuz every1 wanted sumfing from me.

The next day was a bad tim becuz it was akward betwn me nd Ed. Nd plus Midnite was in da hospital from slitting her rists, becuz Jazper had called her a slutt. **(Wow)** He waz getting realli moody all da time nd he acted jelous around me nd Ed all da time. I asked him abot it in skewl **(Once again, Bruce from **_**Family Guy: **_**"In the skeeeeeeeewl!")**

"Hey y da fukk did u mak my sister slit her rists." I roared. He sighed wif deprezzion nd sed "Im just not in luv wif her anymore, after u killed alic I saw ur true strength." **(Fuck, he's in love with her too, isn't he?)** "What r u saying?" I dint undestand. "Im saying dat i would rather b with u dan her. So I was hopping dat she wuld kill herself nd we wuld b devorced." **(CALLED IT)**

"Omg i wuld neva b wif u in a million years, ur a terrible person..." **(He is, actually)** i sed wif tears of blood pooping **(HAAAAAA, POOPING!) **down my pale face. I waz wearing violet fishnetz wif safety pins in dem and a red corset wif a blakk vest over it n a pentagram n lots of safety pins nd tight blakk jeanz. Mikael, Jabob, Bella, n Jessa all gatered around us. Jasp waz so embarassed. A lot of da teachers came over n stared at me.

"Twila plz report 2 da principles office." The teachers sed strangly. So i followed dem nd da princple was der and he sed to me "Im sorri but we r going 2 hav 2 tranfer u to a diff skewl."

"OMFG NO." sed loudly. "I CANT DIS IS WER EDWARD GOZ 2 SCHOL." "Yes," they admited uncomfortly. "But ur causing a realli bad diserbance in da school. **(She is, all this roaring and stuff, it's like hanging out with Mufasa)** U c der is somthing... odd abot u. Nd no1 feelz comfortble wif u here so u hav 2 go 2 dat other school in Waschington, calld Mount Saint Prepz Acadamy. " **(Yes! "Prepz Academy"!)**

I culdnt beleve it. I waz nevr gong 2 see ed agen if i went dere **(… YOU'RE MARRIED?!)**. I jumpd out da window n ran home n took out a nife and cut miself. **(That's an overreaction)** Der waz blood all ova da floor nd i fell down and started 2 die.

XXXXX 2 BE CONTINUED XXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPER 5XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

OK GUYZ SORRI FOR DA CLIPHANGER. I WILL UPDATE SOON. REVIEWS THANX


	6. Marlin Manson is Finding Emo

_Sorry for the long wait guys, I've been really busy with university – I'm supposed to be researching for my essay right now – but here's chapter six_

* * *

A/N: ok u noe wat prepz? im gong 2 rite mi stori betta so u guyz kan stup complaning abot chatzpeek. **(She writes... in chat-speak)** SO NOW U WILL HAV NOTHING 2 FLAMM ABOT HA HA. nd btw stopp tellin me 2 use spellchek, becuz im using notpad nd it dosnt have it ok! **(Still, not hard to use a dictionary or something...)** midnite fanx for da good reveiws, n every1 else hu gav me good reveiws, u guyz rokk! TATA GLIESBIE I LUV U! **(Hmm... of course you do. This fic is **_**My Immortal**_** with even more vampires)** PREPZ STUP FLAMMING!1 GOTHZ ROCK 666

CHAPTER 6

XXX CONTINUD FROM DA LAST CHAPTER XXX

When I woke up Deward was over me. "Twilla. TWILA!" he screwed into my ear. **(He's fucking her ear?!)** "Youre going to be ok."

My long strait hair was all around me, I was laying on the flor. I was wearing **(FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, YOU ALMOST DIED AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS DESCRIBE YOUR SHITTY HOT TOPIC OUTFIT?!) **a black spagitti strap shirt with a matching sweatshirt over it nd a blak jean skirt with MCR pins on it. I had on ripped fishnets and blak highheels that had spikes coming out of them. There were bandagez all over my arms and body were I cut myself. You could c the blood coming thru.

"Just fukk off ok?" I said with a sad smile and I storted to cry. He tried 2 comfort me. He had his bronz hair in spikes with purple steaks in it **(Ugh) **and he had on white fondation on his sexah face **(I love it when Tara says "sexah". Wait, this isn't Tara? Whatever you say...)**. There were tears raining down from his topaz eyes. "No plese tell me y you did this." He shooted. **(Because her life is a clusterfuck of awful)**

"I dont want to effing talk abot it ok can you just bakk the fuk off!" I was so depressed. I got up off the floor and tried 2 run out the door but Edward stopped me. "WAIT!" he whimspered. **(What's "whimspered"? A mix between "whimpered" and "whispered"?)** "There is some1 waiting for you out there, itz not safe." His voice got all low and hott like a male version of Amy Lee in the begining of Goin Under. **(OH MY GOD THAT'S AN AWFUL DESCRIPTION)**

"But I really need too talk to you." I begged pleasingly. "Lissen, I cant stay in dis school anymore."

"WE CAN TALK LATER, WATCH OUT, SHEZ ABOUT TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!" **(THIS BUILDS A SENSE OF URGENCY)** Suddenly I turned around and the door smashed down. It was .. ... BUFFI THE VAMPIR SLAYER! **(LMFAO! DO IT BUFFY! PUT US OUT OF OUR MISERY!)** (a/n fanx for da sugestion! 666 XXX) **(Yes, thank you either awesome troll or idiot fan for the suggestion)**

"Ahahaha, dont even bother," she said meanly. "You cant escape from me Twila Beatiful Psyco Topaz Sad'ness Cullen." **(I forget, is this her full name? Has she added in a few more middle names since chapter one?)**

But I was to angry to even c her. "You now what Edword, u never pay attencion to me. Why dont you just go to Emett, so you guys can screw? **(I'm confused, did he fuck his vampire brother too? Am I missing something?) **Becuz you obviously dont care abot me." "NO PLEASE" he got down on his knees with dark tearz of sorrow. "Give me another chance" **(BUFFY JUST FUCKING DO IT, I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!)**

"Do you remebr what I said that nite." He lookd at me all confused and sad, and Buffie started 2 take out her sword. "I SED ONE MORE CHANCE AND I MEANT IT NOW YOU CAN JUST GET THE FUKK OUT OF MI LIFE BECAUSE YOU ONLY HURT ME."

I took off da pentargram he had gotten me nd just before I was about to throw it out the window he ran over and hugged me and startd 2 sing "Cruxifiction in Space" by Marlin Manson. **(Marlin Manson? Is that a goffik version of Nemo's dad?) **Dat song was so touching and I had to forgiv him. **(If only things like this would work in real life. "Hi Mrs Stevens, I'm sorry but I haven't done my homework. WELL IF YOU WANTED HONESTY THAT'S ALL YOU HAD TO SAAAAAY!" "Oh, that's okay Jimmy, I forgive you." "Mum, dad, I had a house party while you were away and some of the vases got broken. BABBLE BABBLE BITCH BITCH, REBEL REBEL PARTY PARTY, SEX SEX SEX AND DON'T FORGET THE VIOLENCE!" "That's unfortunate, Susan, but we aren't mad!") **

"Excus me were were we?" laughed Buffie da Vampir Slayer looking at us. "Look if u dont get out of here, i am gong to post dese pictures of u screwing Angell on the internet!" **(Oh god in heaven...)** I shooted. She got scared becaus she didnt want 2 end up like that prep Pares Hilton.

A lot of other stuff happened **(Well, thanks for filling us in) **nd then Edword went home, we were still marred. But I didnt get 2 talk 2 him abot transferring. I went home n listened to Panic At Da Disko and put on a blak nitegown nd put my hare up in a blakk skull clip. I went 2 take a bathe but when I went to da tub I saw. ... Edard! **(He's a stalker even in a shitty fanfic!)**

"How did u get in here?" I asked shockly with anger. "I transported n, I have telekinisis." **(What?)** (a/n LIKE VOLXEMORT FROM MY IMMORTAL LOL.) **(Oh Jesus H Christ... except Voldemort "hath telekinisis", remember?)**

So we took off our cloths nd you guyz can guess what we did **(Is sex your answer to everything?)** (yea u pervs get ur mindz out of the glutter.) **(YOU JUST FUCKING TOLD US YOURSELF YOU TWAT) **The next morning I woke up and I COULDNT BELEVE IT. **(I can't believe I'm still reading this drivel)**

"OMFG ED WAKE UP RITE NOW." I scremed. He drove over 2 my house to see what waz wrong. "IM PREGGANT." **(OH FUCK. I'M 6457657687934546578980026% DONE. And Meyer vampires can't get pregnant)** I was crying. I started 2 kut my rists over the bandages with a razor. Just then da fone rang, it was the principal saying "Twola, ur going to be late for ur first day at Mount Saint Prepz Acadamy." **(Don't forget to dress in your best shitty faux-goth clothes to show those preppy bitches!)**

"THATZ IT THIS COULDNT BE ANY WORSE." **(You're telling me!)** I flew in2 my bed and kept crying nd my pillow turned red nd black with makup and blood.

"YOURE GOING 2 MOUNT SAINT PREPZ ACADAMY?" EDWARD YELLED. "I WAS TRYING TO TELL U THAT LAST NIGHT YOU IDIOTIC AIDS!" **(DID SHE JUST CALL HIM "AIDS" AS AN INSULT?!)**

I culdnt take it, my life was absolutely terrible and I had nofing left to live for. **(Uh... your unborn spawn of Satan, maybe?)** Edword tried 2 calm down and hug me but I punched him away.

"Please itll be ok." He pormised. But I didnt believe it. I just wanted 2 watch Da Ring nd overdosse with aspirin and pot. **(I'M FUCKING DYING. I WANT TO OVERDOSE WITH ASPRIN AND POT TO GET THROUGH THIS) **I storted to sing How Could This Happen 2 Me by smipple plan. **(I can't tell whether these emo characters just love their music or whether this is supposed to be some type of musical as a fanfic. Can you imagine though in real life, people are in bad situations of some kind, and to deal with it they spontaneously burst out singing old emo songs from seven years ago? That'd be so embarrassing to witness)** Ed weeped and weeped (a/n if u dont luv sensiteve guyz den fukk off!) **(HOW DARE YOU! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I COME FROM, WHERE I'VE BEEN, OR HOW LONG I'VE BEEN THERE, WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET FROM WHERE I WAS TO WHERE I AM NOW!) **nd I fell asleep having nitemares abot prepz and babiez. **(I'm gonna have nightmares about this fic tonight, let me tell thee)**

XXXXXXXXXXX END CHAPTER 5 XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

lol I BET U DINT EXPECT DAT WELL U WILL HAVE 2 WATE ND C WAT HAPPENZ.


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